“Anaconda” follows best friends Griff and Doug, who head deep into the jungles of the Amazon to make a remake of their favorite movie. Life soon imitates art when a gigantic anaconda with a thirst for blood starts hunting them down.

A Meta Reboot with No Bite

The opening 20 minutes of “Anaconda” are incredibly meta. And … this surprisingly works. The film establishes its unserious tone while giving a fun reason to reboot the series.

From here, however, it goes nowhere.

“Anaconda” has no reason to exist. And it straight-up tells the audience how lazy it is on multiple occasions.

Even those looking for a fun creature feature will be disappointed – as there’s hardly any creature at all. The giant snake is almost relegated to a subplot within a movie that’s instead more about making movies.

Within this, “Anaconda” leaves horror completely behind. There are a few moments of carnage, but the snake is mostly only present for cheap thrills. There’s no menacing appearance or even a threatening nature.

Friendship, Filmmaking and Wasted Ideas

While most other aspects of “Anaconda” fail, this does deliver in one its ingredients. It makes the production of movies look “fun,” and will likely be relatable to many who had childhood aspirations of becoming a filmmaker.

At its core, the theme of friendship is central to “Anaconda.” And while it’s laughably – and probably purposefully – hollow, it is heartfelt in this way.

Despite this, the film is full of subplots and side quests that go absolutely nowhere. Characters are introduced and forgotten about. Only to be reintroduced 30 minutes later, then die minutes after that.

There’s no satisfaction in “Anaconda,” as it’s a string of empty stories that conclude in middling fashion.

Performances that Can’t Save the Mess

Jack Black (Doug McCallister), Paul Rudd (Griff), Steve Zahn (Kenny Trent) and Thandiwe Newton (Claire Simmons) star in the reboot.

Black and Rudd deliver their usual shticks: all laughs and no real emotion. They’re seemingly the perfect actors for this type of movie, yet their performances still fail to sell the story.

In moments, there is comedic chemistry between the four leads. It’s not all bad in “Anaconda,” as a few laughs are still to be had.

A performance that could be overlooked comes from Selton Mello (Santiago Braga). Featured in some of the film’s funniest moments, Mello brings an abundance of awkwardness that is much needed.

Director Tom Gormican has the pieces for an intriguing reboot, but they don’t fit together.

“Anaconda” is so bad that it’s good – until it’s not. Then it’s just bad.

Rating: 1 out of 5